Happiness with Self vs. Jealousy

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Abroad, california, community, divorce, dream big, dreambig, ecuador, Ecuador expats, efl, English, esl, esl teaching, expats, expats in Ecuador, gringo, happiness, happy, hippy, jealousy, latin america, life, los angeles, love, self, spanish, teaching abroad, valley girl

From probably the best period in my life — when I quit my sexist job and enjoyed coffee shops, biking, writing & Seoul for three months.

I am as simple as it gets.

I’m a Valley Girl whose family is from the inner city of L.A. I was educated in the public schools of LA and a public university in LA. I struggle to lose the 30lbs I gained from stress eating in Ecuador last time I lived here. No one wants to publish my novels, so I’m dumbfounded on what to do with like 5 novels. I’m single and let me tell you its hard meeting a decent guy that wants a non-Barbie/Beyonce chic who happens to be slightly “ambitious.” I don’t have a PhD (nor do I want one), but I read newspapers and try to speak proper English around “highly educated people.” I talk with the cleaning ladies in my office and the security guards on campus in my horrific-gringo-flavored Spanish. I eat $2.50 meals at small mom-and-pop restaurants in Ecuador. I try to share my knowledge with others bc, as naive and hippy as it may sound, I believe in  community and the give-take relationship one has with his/her society.

But lately, I have been sensing a jealousy vibe around me.

And I must ask, What causes jealousy? Surely, it can’t be a Simple Jane like me.

My students have been writing about the cause of happiness for their final essay (this assignment came from the book, not this hippy teacher, lol). There are numerous theories on what causes people to be happy, but one that I think is the most important is self acceptance aka liking self.

I used to have super low self-esteem and not feel good about myself. I used to compare my life with others and always in negative ways. I blamed others for my unhappiness and actively played the victim role. But during the Christmas of 2013, I realized “This Is It!” My 5-year-break-from-life was over and this was the only life I was getting, so I needed to make life work.

It was a year process to arrive to the point where I could say, “I’m happy. I like myself.” This happiness with self that I am experiencing is possible for others if they choose to be happy and love life. Thus, why would someone choose jealousy over creating happiness with self?

I know life is complicated, but my “winning at life” is simple– I work hard. I do the extra work. I stay the extra hour at work. I ask the extra question. I create opportunities for professional growth. I have compassion for others. I watch those motivational videos on YouTube and listen to personal development books while working out. I set goals and create a logical plan to achieve those girls.  I think about the bigger picture. I roll the dice in life. And most importantly, I throw myself to the wind and see where life takes me.

Once you decide to go with the flow of life, that flow will lead you to the real happiness, or as the Japanes say “kimochi ii” (the good feeling inside of you). By flowing with life, you will learn how to be happy with yourself, and even better, be happy for others and not jealous of them.

#makelifework #dreambig

Sex & Friends

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Abroad, aids, california, cotacachi, ecuador, Ecuador expats, esl, esl teaching, expats, expats in Ecuador, friends, happiness, hiv, hollywood, ibarra, iteawon, love, meditation, romance, safe sex, sex, stds, women

Is love & marriage still possible? As seen in Ibarra.

Sex is said to make people do crazy things. But in 2014, I thought the insanity would have mellowed itself out. I mean some risky behavior should be an immediate “hell-to-the-no” type of situation; yet for some, it is not.

Today a friend told me something about his sex life that made me mad and disappointed. Yet the biggest problem I am having is in not judging his behavior and accepting the reality of his truth.

After eight years of living abroad, my moral radar is way off. It’s hard for me to fully know what is wrong and right. So many things are contextual, cultural, and situational. (I mean it has to be a Penn State sexual molestation situation for me to clearly say that is wrong.) I find the old, anal Monique fading away, and a much more open-minded person emerging. Yet, risky sex behavior makes me cringe and wonder, “Is it really worth it?”

As seen in Hollywood.

With so much info out there about STDs and unwanted pregnancies, I thought people would really want to protect themselves, but it’s surprising to talk with someone who simply doesn’t care about the aftermath; the moments of self-gratification justifies the means of achieving it.

Thus, I am left to contemplate when is a friend truly a friend when speaking honestly about one’s sex life. I have listened to friends’ tales of random hook ups via special subway cars, cell phone apps, jimjilbangs, drunkin episodes, gotta-sample–the-locals, Only-because-I’m-in-Korea/Costa Rica/Chile/Ecuador/Japan, a-man-has-needs, etc. I usually listen and shrug it off because I have my own issues to deal with, and once you are 18, it’s really your life to live.

But when something is so theatre of the absurd and ludicrous, I can’t pretend things are cool. I told the friend it was crazy to have unprotected sex with multiple people. I mean, who really does that in 2014?! In chatting about the risks, he agreed the potential existed for problems to occur; yet, he still favored/favors his present practice.

“This is what we do,” he told me. Yet his comment on his upbringing explained nothing and everything. When one hasn’t found his/her own path in life, it’s easy to follow the crowd and look for ways to numb the pain of life’s setbacks. Expat communities have plenty of people doing this from Iteawon to Cotacachi. It takes courage to make life work and be content with it. A life that is simple, pleasant, and less drama filled is hard to maintain, but it is possible with faith, meditation, self acceptance and realistic goals. So why put yourself at a higher risk for STDs/HIV/AIDS and unwanted pregnancies?

Message from NYC gov

Solita pero estoy bien

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Abroad, acceptance, adventure, african american literature, afro-, Australia, Black travel, Cambodia, chic lit, colombia, courage, ecuador, Ecuador expats, esl, esl teaching, expats, expats in Ecuador, female literature, feminism, Food international food, foriegn, Getty, hamac, hammock, korea, latin america, life, los angeles, love, no fear, panama, Seoul, solita, solo, south America, South korea, taiwan, teacher, travel, viva la vida, woman traveler

Winter travels, Panama, 2008. Spent Christmas Day/evening by myself after my traveling partner ran out of money.

For years, winter break meant a trip to a new country.

After quitting my wack-ass job, I spent three months enjoying Seoul, which included many days of biking through Seoul solo. Alone in a city of 11 million.

I would excitingly skim Lonely Plant and Trip Advisor to look for cool stuff to do during my time in Thailand, Colombia, Australia, Panama, Chile, and other places. I was thrilled to be achieving my goal of seeing the world, experiencing new cultures, and living life on my own Terms.

Solo day trip to The Getty in L.A.

But tonight, I spent two hours on the internet trying to find something to do in a Ecuador during the break.yes I have spent this amount of time trip planning before –truth be told, I spent longer periods of time on travel research– but something was different tonight. I felt annoyed, irritated that I needed to travel because my fellow foreign teachers are planning on travel.  Yet for me this travel was a Keeping Up WithThe Jones activity that didn’t correspond to the Monique of 2014.

Solo trip to Mompiche, Esmeralda’s, Ecuador, as I began my Adios LA II farewell trip in Latin America, Winter 2011.

The thrill was gone as BB King sang. And this is more confirmation that a change has occurred within me. An acceptance of self has occurred.

Cartagena, Colombia, New Years 2011. I spent Christmas evening in a hostel by myself, enjoying Medellin, Colombia.

I used to teach to travel, meaning traveling was the main motivation in going through the process of looking for esl jobs, applying to jobs, pushing through the tedious, wait-wait-now! visa process, starting at the bottom in the teachers’ room, dealing with local teachers who resented me based on my salary but never considered my degrees from UCLA & USC, then forcing myself to hangout with fellow expats that I had little in common with beside the gringo/Gajin/waygook label.

Solo trip to Cambodia after presenting at a TESOL conference in Laos. Winter 2013

Yeah, there are tons of draw backs to teaching esl abroad, but I did it for nearly 8 years because there was nothing like seeing a new country’s take on the street/city life, it was amazing to see the art work popping to life in new settings, the satisfying taste of something you didn’t know existed until arriving at the food stall/shop/restaurant, learning something about a country but realizing it’s the same story you heard in another country (it really is a small world after all). The Soc (sociology) in me kept the curiosity to know more of the world burning within me, which kept the stamps coming into my passport (up to nearly 30 countries with Europe on the horizon).

Port Douglas, Australia, Winter Travels 2006. My first major solo adventure.

Yet know, I feel like I have seen so much, that I lack the eternal drive to plan a winter holiday escape. I would be just as happy as installing a hammock on my front porch and gazing out onto the postcrd perfect Andes mountains as I would be flying to the Pacific coast to swing in a hammock and reflect on life and dream of my great novel.

Spontaneous solo trip to Taiwan after quitting my wack-ass job, Winter 2013

I’m tempted to stay here and do me alone. Enjoy the winter holiday by myself as I have done before and probably will do again in the future. I’m at the point in life where I’m not lonely. I prefer socializing with others, but I like myself enough to be able to enjoy me time.And perhaps that is what it is meant to mature and evolve into your higher being, your likeable self.

Spontaneous solo trip the Pacific Coast of Ecuador after being told I needed to resign early. Spring 2011. (Peep the hammock)